Hmm.

Well, I’m kind of drunk. And packing up my house because I’m getting a divorce.

I’m ok. It’s civil. And yes, I’m sure.

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Does poly have a closet to come out of?

Because I told my mom about being poly. On a 2 hour car ride.

And she kind of freaked out, but in a shocked way. There was a hint of judgment with a “well why don’t you just divorce him, I don’t get this” comment. I asked her to name one couple she knew that was both monogamous,  and happy. She couldn’t.

I’m feeling relieved though. I knew she wouldn’t disown me or anything but it is always scary to reveal something like this about yourself to your mother. And since we were stuck in a car together is was pretty awesome to just talk everything out. I’m very lucky to have such an awesome mom, and towards the end of the conversation,  she said,

“You know? I’m proud of you and your sister. I feel like I did a good job raising such sex positive girls.  I hope you always feel comfortable about coming to me with anything. ”

I do, mom, I do.

Love Thy Neighbor

So we live in a house in a very cute neighborhood.  We are great neighbors. We never have big parties, we bring in our trashcans, we give out full size candy bars on Halloween.

When we moved in a few years ago,  I made really good friends with our next door neighbor.  They are a couple in their thirties with two small kids. She and I became very close. Talked about everything! Sex, love, silliness of our husbands,  past, present, future. I babysat her kids. Helped her throw her baby shower.

So when we decided to try poly, I felt super comfortable sharing this news with her. She was a little surprised,  but not much. I mean, she knew me really well!

Apparently,  her husband did not have the same views.

They completely,  and silently,  cut all ties with us. No more borrowing sugar, no more playful complaints about our husbands, not even a wave if we pull in the driveway at the same time. It even went so far as we had our floors cleaned by a company who told me that our neighbors told them they will never use that company because they cleaned our house.

It sucks, and makes no sense. Nothing about me changed and now I’ve lost a friend. 

I guess the lesson learned is to be extremely careful in who we tell about this poly life. And to tell very few people at all. That’s the good part of the blog, at least…I get to share this all with all of you! ♥

What’s in a Name?

So…things are going well with D2 (seriously every guy is either M or D, weird). We have a really great chemistry both in and out of bed. I mean like really awesome super fun let it all go sex. And then followed up with fabulous conversation that usually ends in a lot of laughter.

We also play video games together online which is awesome. It’s a lot of fun to  just have this amazing new person to share even the little parts of my life with.

So, last night we’re playing and D2 accidentally calls me “Heather”. My name is very common but is definitely not anywhere near sounding like “Heather”. I immediately felt hurt. I knew it wasn’t on purpose or anything but it still sucked. He felt REALLY bad about it.

I’m trying to think of what made me so upset and I think it’s that someone using your name is like them recognizing you in that moment and to mistake you for someone else is like an ego blow. At least it was for me!

We talked about it today and he was extremely apologetic (and for the record brought up this being a blog post topic “as long as you tell them how sorry I am!”) and we talked about my insecurities surrounding the name mix up.  But having all these relationships it’s bound to happen again, and could easily be a mistake that I could make!

Weird thing is he’s not dating anyone named Heather!

I’m kind of tired of first dates

I love the first part of a new relationship.  Butterflies in your stomach when you get a text message or phone call, the excitement of sharing old stories with someone new, first kisses…it’s all so full of fun and full of excitement.  Getting to know someone,  and their body…how you both work together in every way.

Then should come the next part. Establishing what you mean to each other and how you fit in your respective lives. For some reason, and I’m convinced at this point this reason is me, I’m having a hard time getting to this next step.

I’ve had some amazingly successful first dates that fizzle into nothingness quite rapidly.  Sometimes I’m fully aware of the whys (at this point, I’m no longer interested in pursuing anything long distance) and was the one to break things off. Other times, we would just kinf of…stop talking and then it’s over.

I guess this is just part of dating, but it’s often times confusing and hurtful.  Before moving into a poly relationship,  D was my only serious person…both physically and mentally so I’m constantly questioning my behaviours and if they are “right” ot not.

Either I’m a bad judge of situations,  or the problems really do stem from me.

I’ve been seeing someone for about a week now and so far, so good, let’s hope I don’t fuck it up this time.

Well, That Stings.

So I got dumped.

😦

I haven’t been broken up with in over 10 years…and boy does it suck.  I was dating other M who I didn’t give a nickname for awhile.  He and his wife are poly and he also had a daughter.  We weren’t able to get together for more than once, maybe twice a week and did not even talk everyday.  Was it the ideal relationship I was looking for? No, but I was willing to be understanding and try to find a balance between his life and mine while getting to know one another better.

We went out for dinner and had a very nice time and decided to walk around the downtown area.  We drove over there and didn’t even get out of the car.  He just started to…I don’t know how else to explain it, but word vomit all over.  He started talking about how stressed he was with work, with home, that he feels like he isn’t putting enough effort into me or “us”, that he has no one to talk about me with…on and on.  I just kind of sat there, stunned, because I wasn’t sure how to respond to all of this.

I was technically his first go at a poly relationship, he had dated other girls before but more casual.  Now that he was in it, he didn’t know if he actually liked me or if it was the idea of me (um, hello?! did I not just write about this?? https://polygirlblog.wordpress.com/2013/08/28/does-he-like-me-for-me-or-my-poly/)

So I guess it’s over. I’m bummed.

Time Management

Being with more than one person is tough.  It’s hard to know when to plan something and for how long without hurting anyone’s feelings. D is currently not working, which means that he is home all day. All. Day. So when I get home he wants to spend the rest of the day with me. Netflix, dinner, cuddles, sleep. All with me. Every Day.

Now, I’m someone that absolutely needs regular alone time in order to be a nice, pleasant person. Presently, I’m getting little to no alone time. And the little time that I do get I have been using to talk with my other special someones.  Texting, Skyping, dating, cleaning, cooking, working….it’s exhausting. I love giving time to my new relationships, but I’m also realizing that I’m not giving enough time for just me. 

D has been trying to help, but honestly I just feel bad all the time for wanting to be alone.  I go to take a bath…he comes in to talk about our day…I play video games, he sits and watches.  I love spending time with him, but I just don’t need to spend every waking moment together.  

He has also been upset when I plan dates.  When I let him know of my plans (always in advance, and usually about 1-2 times per week) he gets visibly annoyed with my them.  I don’t know what to do anymore. I need some space. I need to spend time with my new relationships. I need ME time. 

It’s not as if I’m not spending time with him. We do all the “normal” couple things, plenty of awesome sex…but lately he’s been making me feel as if that’s not enough. He is always my first priority, but has to realize that he is not my only priority.

I’m going to go read in a bubble bath, alone, and lock the door.

He Liked it, So He Put a Ring on It

I’m sitting here getting ready to go on a date tonight…and D is doing the same thing (how cute it that?) But there is always something I think about before I go out…do I wear my wedding ring? Does he?  We have total disclosure with our partners about our marriage, so it’s not like we’re hiding something, but it always feels weird to have it on while I’m out with someone.  It’s not big by any means, and I only have one ring but it feels like I might as well be wearing this:

Image

(Image taken from a Google Image search)

According to Wikipedia, “After marriage, the ring is worn on the hand it had been placed on during the ceremony. By wearing rings on the fourth finger, a married couple symbolically declares their eternal love for each other. This has now become a matter of tradition and etiquette.”  Tradition and etiquette. The two things that I’m kind of going against being poly.  But, the definition also includes “declaring eternal love for each other”…do I really need a ring for that?

And who exactly is this declaration to? I know we love each other, he knows we love each other…why do I need to “declare” anything about it?

I’m going to not wear it for dates or any situations when meeting/looking to meet new people. The rest of the time it will be on.  For now.

Stress

Life has been throwing me lots of curve balls lately. Both poly and not poly related. For one, work is crazy!  I work in education and I have an…interesting situation this year.  It’s causing me a ton of stress but will hopefully lead to some better opportunities.  D says I need to put in my time before the big pay off.  I thought I would skip some of the grunt work by getting a master’s degree…guess not! M thinks I’m going to kick ass…I’ll definitely try my best.

One good thing is that I have some outlets to get out my stress.  It’s nice to feel comfortable enough with someone other than D to vent a little about what’s going on with me.  I’ve always appreciated feedback on situations and I think I’m getting some good advice and encouragement that I would have not had otherwise 🙂

I also have a promising second date tomorrow that I’m looking forward to.  Getting a first date is not a problem, but man! A second date is almost impossible.  Not that I haven’t been asked on a second date, but it’s just that the quality of the first date was lacking.  I’ve had better Skype dates than I have some of these in person meetings! It’s another “M” so I’ll have to think of a creative nickname for him if he sticks around 😉 I’m making him dinner at my place, and some relaxing is what I need after this extremely stressful week.

On to the poly curve ball…when D and I sat down and discussed our initial rules and boundaries, one thing I was pretty adamant about was not having sex with anyone other than me in our bed. I feel like that is “our” place, and somewhere that we know is just for us.  It’s consciously being aware that that space is off limits.  So D has J over to our place and I’m out on a date with someone else.  When I get home we talk a little about how our dates went and D tells me that he and J had sex. In our bed. I immediately felt uncomfortable….and it had nothing to do with the actual sex part, it was the fact that he had totally broken the one rule that I brought to the table.

I felt super weird about it that night, but didn’t bring anything up until the next day.  I wanted some time to process my feelings about everything and come to him with an argument that was well thought out.  I explained that it made me very uncomfortable to have another woman (that we didn’t both invite) in our bed and that I do not want it to happen again. His complaint is that there is no where to “go”, so we decided that next month we are going to turn the guest room into a…um…play room (?) not sure what to call it, yet. Our conversation went super well, and he apologized for hurting my feelings, and that was nice to have recognition for my feelings.  I feel like before poly we had a lot of conversations where were heard each other, but we didn’t listen to each other.

I like where we’re headed now 🙂

I’m Sorry…

I feel like I’ve been saying, and feeling, “sorry” a lot lately. Sometimes I do things that unintentionally cause someone pain, and for that I’m sorry.  However, I should also be allowed to make mistakes. Isn’t that how we learn? Making mistakes and then altering our approach?

D informed me that he feels hurt every time I talk to someone. Not enough to not keep trying poly, but apparently enough to say something about.  How do I approach these feelings? I’m ready for this life. For all these ups and downs, sideways and somersaults that poly throws at you. Is he not ready? I don’t think so…maybe he’s just not on my “level” yet. And what is my level? Can I be “more” poly than him?  

Then there are my other emerging relationships. If we did not set specific boundaries, how will I know when I’ve crossed a line that should not be crossed? For that, I’m sorry.

What I’m not sorry for is learning about me. All of these bumps and mistakes help me make better decisions later, especially when navigating the poly waters. 

I know that I would never intentionally want to hurt someone, especially my important someones.

Last Night I Learned I Have a Great Ass

(NSFW warning)

One of the really cool things that poly has opened me up to is getting to meet lots of really cool people. People that I otherwise would never encounter. There’s M, from a much more urban area and well traveled,  R, the PhD professor, and last night, C, the artist.

So let’s back up a few before I begin my story.  When D and I first talked about our poly “wants” I was pretty adamant that I was looking for connections with people not solely based on sex.  He was more open to casual sex, and we went on our merry way.

So C contacts me about being part of an installation that needs models to be cast in plaster. Specifically,  a booty that needs to be cast in plaster. I’ve always received compliments on the goods,  so said, “Sure! Why not?” Part of this whole poly process is exploring myself in ways that I wouldn’t normally,  and this seemed like a really fun way to get started.

K, ever the professional, explained the process,  sent me pics of other casts, made me feel as comfortable as one could when getting naked in front of a stranger. And the process begins…warm water, plaster, and hands all over. It was a big turn on (I guess it helps that K is very attractive). K has instense focus but keeps giggling and saying how amazing it was turning out. We are casually chatting and I mention that I have my nipples pierced so this naturally turns into plastering my tits. This part was very sensu
al because I could watch the whole thing. Plaster ..hands..yum. Major turn on. After the breast mold, we turned back to the main reason we were there…my ass. We start talking about how to pose and I end up in a very…suggestive pose; bent over, ass out. And again with the paster and the hands and the rubbing.

The last mold came out the best, by far. The others were good, but omg…it’s really amazing to  see a part of you in 3d! And I do have a cute ass!

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Both covered in plaster,  noticeably hot for eachother, and come to the next natural decision;  time to plaster the cock. Now we are adding kissing and licking to the mix of hands and plaster (you know, it’s the creative process for the end result). Mold comes off and we got down to business.

I never thought I’d be covered in plaster fucking some guy I just met…and loving it. The whole experience was extremely erotic. It didn’t matter that I knew I was probably not going to hook up with him again, or that we hadn’t been on a date. We still had a connection.

And wasn’t that what I was asking for all along?

Singing the Poly Blues

I’ve been feeling pretty bummed the past couple of days and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

M went out of town so our fun texting and Skype chats were limited and I thought maybe that was it…but I dunno. I’m just feeling..”blah”.

When we first decided to “be” poly, it was like I was riding a wave and now the wave has crashed on the shore and I’m stuck on the beach.  I hate the beach.

I just want to find someone that I like, that likes me, that I can see and touch and hold. I’m learning that that is something I need, and I feel sad without that connection.

I love D, and he is a great pick me up…but the whole point of this journey was to help me find myself and experience other people. The first part is going well, but I’m a little lost on the second.

OKC profile is back online, for now…maybe the overwhelming feelings will be less this go around. We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted 😉

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m closer to 30 than ever before! I had a lovely dinner with another poly couple that D and I have been hanging out with. (D had to work an overnight shift, so it was just the three of us) They are very cool people!

We had an interesting discussion about what we think are the core ideas someone needs in order to be poly successfully and here’s what we came up with:

Willingness for personal growth if you come into a poly relationship with the mindset that you will be the same person at the end…poly probably isn’t for you. D and I have only just recently begun this journey and we have made some significant leaps and bounds as far as personal growth. I feel my comfort levels and ideas changing with each new learning experience,  and I see the changes in D first hand. I also find myself seeking people and literature  that can help me with not just figuring out poly, but figuring out me.

Compersion if someone lets jealousy rule their emotions in a poly relationship, they probably will not feel poly is a choice for them in the long run. The genuine feeling of happiness for your partner’s happiness is a must! Seeing your partner getting to know and love someone else is not a feeling that we have been taught, but (at least for me) was surprising easy to come upon. Getting to this state of mind brings us to the next idea…

Communication this is HUGE when in any (new or established) poly relationship. D and I have talked more about our feelings, hopes, fears, and love for each other more now than ever in our 10 year relationship.  Any insecurity that used to be pushed down and left for a blow up later is now brought up the the forefront and discussed right then and there. It feels so healthy to just have everything out in the open. Do we still have our tiffs and bickering?  Yes, but we work it out as best we can.

So these are the three cornerstones that we came up with as a good “base” for a poly person. I think D and I are on the right track. Is it hard to jump into this?  Yes, but it’s so rewarding. 

Otherwise, I wouldn’t have ever met M, and he makes me very happy 🙂 (Hi!, M!)

Did we miss any points? I’d love to add more to the discussion!

She Wants the D

I think the hardest obstical D and I have faced so far is finding a balance in how much we want to tell each other about our other relationships. I’m still getting over the weirdness of discussing what I’m doing with someone else. When I took a step back from the weird and really thought of why I was feeling uncomfortable,  I realized that it felt like my new relationships weren’t mine anymore.  Talking, in great detail, about what I’m doing took away the fact that this was something between another person and me.

When I got back from my dates, I tried to keep it causal…we went here, talked about this, good night kiss, whatever. Simple and to the point. But D would ask a LOT of questions.  “What exactly did you talk about?” And then, “well, you were gone a long time and that’s all you did?” It was weird. Like being scolded.

D was feeling left out of my relationships, like they were not real people. He was having a hard time with me having my own thing…now, I say “was” because there have been lots of new developments this week.

D met someone online.  She’s in a poly relationship as well, (but as we all now know, that’s not the instant connection we all thought it would be) so they started chatting. I had a date on Monday,  so they decided to meet for the first time. And went out again on Tuesday. D comes home in a VERY good mood and wants to tell me everything about his date. I must admit, it was adorable.  He was so excited! Everything was fine until he started telling me about the end of their date…it was just…too much detail.  I just didnt need to know about every nibble and tongue wiggle. 

It wasn’t a jealousy issue at all. I was so excited for him that he found someone to click with! Now he “gets it” from first hand experience.  But I didn’t need his details to feel happy for him. I would much rather see the bounce in his step and the smile on his face to know that he had a great date.

We set some better “what we want/don’t want to know” parameters. But It’s still a learning curve. D went out with her (J) again last night…when I asked him how it went, he gave me a small rundown and then,

“Well, you probably don’t want to know this, but…”

I stopped him right there and said, “You’re probably right, I don’t.”

Does He Like Me for Me? Or my Poly?

Exposing myself as poly on internet dating sites has been an interesting experience. I get LOTS of guys that just have a bunch of questions about the hows and the whys of poly. I happily answer each question and more often than not, never hear from them again. Which is totally fine. I’d rather talk about my experiences in a positive light than have people judge me based on a quick description of my life on a dating profile.

Another interesting find is that there are quite a few poly guys in my area.

They usually approach me with the fun fact that we have something big in common!  That means we will date and fall in love! Forever!

No? Not the way that works?

So I start chatting with J…he’s married, poly, wife has a boyfriend,  he’s looking for a girlfriend. All things that sound awesome! We meet and then he starts talking more and more about poly. How I should be communicating with D, how he thinks we are going to work out together,  poly blogs, poly people, poly stories…enough already! I get that we have that in common…but let’s move on to something,  anything else!  I felt like it was more of a lesson in how to “do poly the right way” rather than a date. He must have felt a different spark, because he tried to kiss me at the end…yikes. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second date.

Poly guy 2, is married and looking for friends. No sex. We chat a bunch and meet, but the friendly chemistry wasn’t there either. I sense a trend in that poly interests don’t necessarily lead to a fabulous connection.

Poly guy 3 is cute, funny, we have A TON in common…but he can’t stop talking about how awesome it is that he found someone with a similar lifestyle. That we have to get to know each other more. Crazy enthusiasm about being open, as his past trysts have all been started on the lie that he and his wife are separated (red flag!) And not actually in a consensual non-monogamous marriage.

It’s super frustrating. How do I know someone is liking me for me and not just my poly ideas?

I’ve since turned off my dating profile. I’m going to stick with D and M and take a break from all these first dates.

Boundaries and Communication

 D and I have been actively seeking partners for a few weeks now.  While I’ve had an overload of attention (which I much admit was a huge ego boost) D has been having a harder time finding someone open to poly.   This is causing a bit of strain on our relationship and I think it has a lot to do with him feeling left out of this whole growth process.  I feel bad, looking on the first couple weeks, because I really hit the pavement hard without being considerate of his emerging insecurities that developed.

I started seeing “C” pretty early on in my new dating phase.  He was the first person I really felt like I “clicked” with.  We have lots in common, and have great chemistry.  Our first date was a brewery, some ice cream, and amazing conversation.  We really hit it off and I was looking forward to seeing him again.  When we made plans for date #2 it developed into a night in at his place and I would make dinner.  I really didn’t think too much of it, as I knew what my personal boundaries were.  Little did I know, D was at home that night practically biting his fingernails off with worry about what, or who, I was doing.  When I got home, D was in a weird mood and we finally sat down and had our first big open communication discussion about how we were feeling.

D wanted to tell me that I had a curfew and to have pre-approval of dates, but knew that that was a very possessive demand…and he was adamant that he did not want to impose those kinds of restrictions on me.  So instead we addressed where these control issues are coming from, and decided to be more open about our feelings and expectations when going out with others, and to set a loose time that we would be home.  If that changed, let the other know ASAP. So everything should be fine, right? Guess not.

Now, I’ve also been “seeing” “M”.  M lives in another state but will be coming to my area in the Fall.  M is awesome. We’ve been talking, texting, and Skyping for weeks now.  I’m 100% sure M is not a psychopath murderer, so when he said he’d like for me to come visit him, I was ecstatic! We would finally meet! Yay!

I tell D, and he immediately shuts it down. He said he just didn’t understand why M was moving so fast and why couldn’t we wait until he comes out in the Fall. What I felt like he was saying was more “Why would he choose you to want to come to him.” And that hurt.  When I said as much, D revealed the real problem: he was afraid M was going to “steal” me away. I was shocked! We again sat down and reaffirmed that this is a journey that we are on together…together being the operative word.  I think we both felt a lot better after talking, at least, i hope so.  I did. D gave his blessing for me to take my trip, and seems in a lot better spirits about the whole idea.

D has been talking to someone and I hope it works out for him. I want him to be part of this whole process and not someone just watching it happen like it has been lately.  I feel like then we can both be more secure with each other and our new relationships. Am I totally off base with this?

First dates are kind of weird.

Since embarking on this adventure, my go-to way to meet people has been the internet.  OK Cupid to be more specific. I set up my profile (with full poly disclosure) put on a couple pictures, and hoped for the best. Then came the Tsunami.  Within 10 minutes I had a dozen messages. Now I’m kind of panicked…do I have to reply to all of these? Did this guy even READ my profile? Oh God,  why does he have a picture flipping people off? Meanwhile,  I now have 15 more messages and no idea what to do. I haven’t dated in 10 years…what was I thinking?   Slowly, I started going through each message and checking out each profile.

Guy asking for a threesome without even saying hello? Nope.

Guy asking for me to take his virginity?  I don’t think so. (After these two,  I put a “poly =/= kinky” disclaimer)

As I got deeper and deeper into this process I developed a system. If I just got a “Hi, how are you?” I don’t respond. Those conversations last about 2 or 3 messages and fizzle out quickly.

One guy seemed very nice, lived in my town, was cute…so I took the plunge and decided to say yes when he asked to meet. Then quickly regretted this decision when he suggested we go jogging together. Jogging?  On a first date? Oh, and did I mention he also had the same name as my husband? This was getting weirder.

So now here I am on my first “first date” in ten years with a man who has the same name as my spouse. I thought it would be drinks or coffee but there I was in workout gear at the local high school. The date was relatively uneventful and there was no connection for either of us (and I don’t think I could get over the whole same-name-as-my-husband thing anyway). We didn’t have a lot to talk about and he seemed overly interested in health and exercise.  It ended with a weird half-hug thing.

But there it was. My first time putting myself out there to someone else. Even thought the date was a dud, the high I felt for just going through with it was unbelievable.

When I got home, my husband,”D”,asks how it went.

“It was pretty boring,” I said with a huge grin…which confused the hell out of him, and me. Why did I like this bad date? I thought to myself, “because, this is just the beginning. “

Once upon a time…

…there was a boy and a girl and they fell madly in love. They met right out of high school, grew up together, finished school together and got married. Then came the house the jobs, the dull day to day…you know, doing everything the “right” way.  One day the girl woke up.  She was no longer a happy, blissful newlywed.  She lost her passion and drive in all aspects of her life; including her marriage.  After a lot of self reflection (and Google searching) she finally realized what was missing in her life: the ability to give herself to more than one person.

Then came the millions of questions swirling in her head. What will he say? Could this ever work? Oh my gosh, what does another penis look like?!  And after mustering up the courage, she asked her husband if he would be open to being open. Surprisingly, (or maybe not!) he was very receptive to the idea and the ground rules were laid.  

Amazing things started to happen…happiness! Joy! Excitement! The ability to see other people was the biggest infusion of life into their marriage that it took them both by surprise.

So that brings our fairy tale to where were are now. With me, “A” 🙂  Hoping to share my/our poly journey with anyone who is interested.  I’m sure there will be lots of ups, downs, and zig zags…but the journey is half the adventure! Come along for the ride!